Answer: "Sure, And If My Aunt...

...Had a d**k, she'd by my uncle."

The Question? What is the proper response to Geraldine Ferraro's comment, "If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position."

Oh, and if Geraldine Ferraro was your aunt, you would understand why your uncle drank.

But Like, She IS A Monster

What? Like there is some question about that?

Calling your opponent a "monster" in a U.S. Presidential race, even via a surrogate (Barack Obama's now ex-advisor, Samantha Power) is probably unacceptable.

On the other hand, Hillary Clinton, of late, seems to sprout more heads with more distinct personalities than say, the mythical hydra. Which, most would agree, would be fairly placed at least in the "general monster" category.

There was cooing, congenial Hillary at the Austin, Texas debate, turning warmly to Obama: "I am honored to be here with Barack Obama, honored..." Only days later, there was the snapping, steaming Hillary in Ohio spitting, "You should be ashamed of yourself, Barack Obama!"

Got whiplash yet?

And truthfully, what Clinton said at a meeting of military officers and national security experts in Washington last week was actually monstrous. She said that both she and presumptive Republican nominee John McCain were ready to be Commander-in-Chief; Obama was not. She and McCain, Clinton piously intoned, could "put forth a lifetime of experience." Barack Obama, by contrast she taunted, could "offer a speech he made in 2002."

Nevermind for the moment that that was a speech in which he went on record opposing the Iraq War which Clinton supported. More importantly--and more like a monster--Clinton broke a longstanding, unwritten rule that you do not throw a fellow member of your party under the bus to potentially be run over in the general by the opposing party. Politically, yes, that is monster-like.

Sorry, she is a monster. The only question is, which one?
Cruella Deville?
Catherine the Great?
Loch Ness?

The Boston Herald's Margery Eagan compared her to Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction"--popping up out of that bathtub every time you think she's dead.

Tough to say.
Tougher to watch.
But Barack Obama should be glad that his days of sitting mere inches away from her at Democratic debates are over.

Hope This!

Several scenes from movies come to mind in the wake of Texas and Ohio and the carnival attraction ("She takes knives, she takes a bullet--she will not die!") that is increasingly Hillary Clinton. Barack Obama's message of hope and positive change? Very nice. Nice enough in fact to finish second. Or last, if you prefer. (And don't nice guys always finish last?)

Clinton, as Tina Fey on SNL made clear, could care less about being nice, being positive, or hoping for anything other than total victory regardless of the body count or the blood spilled.

Hillary? Hope?
To paraphrase the famous scene in Treasure of the Sierra Madre, "We don't need no stinkin' hope!"

No, a shiv in the back works ever so much better in politics.
Just ask Clinton.
Whose next attack ad is rumored to end with the words, "I'm Hillary Clinton--and I got your hope right here!"

It's 3AM...

...My kids are asleep. The phone rings. It's the Clinton campaign.

"Do you realize it's 3 o'clock in the morning?," I say.

"Do you realize that Hillary Clinton is ready to be President on day one?," the perky young caller responds. "And if that red phone rings in the middle of the night at the White House--just like it just rang at your house--she will know exactly what to do, unlike that untested neophyte who you may or may not have been thinking about voting for."

There is a long pause, as I look out the window and realize there is a streetlight out.
"It's 3 o'clock in the freaking morning," I softly repeat.
I hang up the phone.

"Who was that?," my wife asks without opening her eyes.

"Just some wackjob. 'Night..."

Memo To McCain: I'm Not Your Friend

It's like a talking-tic: every sentence of every speech begins or ends or has somewhere in the middle the words, "my friends..."

Has any politician--any human in history!--ever so overused that expression of faux-familiarity as John McCain?

The answer is no, my friends.

We're Just Not That Into You

It cannot be easy to be Hillary Clinton these days. Gone is the (self-created) aura of invincibility. Now observers try to divine whether she is saying farewell in how she says she's soldiering on.

But here's an irony. Hillary lately has taken great, if now a fatalist's delight in mocking "Messiah" Obama. His followers, she suggests, have their heads in the clouds, their eyes rolling back, and their outstretched arms thrust heavenward. They chant "Yes, we can" with the first-time fervor of the politically naive and innocent. Wouldn't it be nice, she sarcastically says, if we could just "wave a magic wand" and we would all be united and all the lobbyists would "just disappear.?"

Personally, my own magic wand would magically make the Clintons at long last disappear, but that's beside the point.

By contrast, Hillary paints herself as the tough, pragmatic realist.

The irony is that many who support Obama over Clinton do so exactly out of a sense of the very same tough, pragmatic realism. It's simple: Clinton, by very dint of who she is, has zero chance of being a uniter. She would enter a Presidential race as Democratic nominee with the highest negatives of any candidate in modern history. She is, partly through no fault of her own, a living, ongoing, permanent target of enmity. That will not change.

Barack Obama comes in with none of that history. And that, for many voters, is the key to their support. A pragmatic, realistic calculation to support the Democratic candidate with the best chance of actually creating some rudimentary bipartisanship.

No magic wands required, Hillary. Nothing starry-eyed. Just some steely, stone-faced realism. Get it?

Pity The Poor White Man

Fortunately, in the wake of Super Tuesday, Barack Obama has shown he can attract support among white men. I say "fortunately," because, prior to that, the storyline was developing that white men, especially rural white men, were "without a candidate" on the Democratic side.

On the Republican side, of course, voters shopping exclusively for a white man had a Macy's full of 'em for months. (In fact, it was the only choice they had.) With once-full Republican showroom now down to just three models (McCain, Huckabee, Paul), "white" and "male," are still the only choices.

But if you're a voter who insists on that old standby in his or her President, the good, ol, white male, the Democrats have nothing to show you this year.

Imagine that--looking at a party's candidates for President, and not seeing a single one who looks like you. I mean, what is a poor, white guy to do?