Why I'm Not Running

These are troubling times for the nation. Citizens have questions about the direction the nation is heading in, about emerging threats, and how we will
deal with them.

I also realize that in many ways, I am uniquely suited to lead my nation. And despite the fact that the campaign for president is in full swing, and despite the fact that I feel I am as qualified as many other candidates, I must regretfully decline to run.

For President of Red Sox Nation.

Having latched on to the once-hazy concept of a Red Sox “nation” with the suction of a mosquito on warm, wet skin, the Boston Red Sox ownership is now promoting a contest/campaign to award some lucky person the title of “First Fan,” and President of Red Sox Nation.

Spare me.

According to a team press release, “the ceremonial ‘First Fan’ would have an assortment of powers, privileges, and perquisites designed to unify the club’s unique global fan base.”

The President would also have a blog provided by the team. Presumably then, the President could compete with fellow Sox blogger Curt Schilling to see whose site gets more hits during a game.

(Even one or two hits would be more than J.D. Drew will get.)

“While this innovation is light-hearted, it is nonetheless real,” said Sox President/CEO Larry Lucchino in a press release. Yes it is real. Another real crafty commercial ploy all dressed up in team colors.

See, first the Red Sox decided in 2005 to offer paid membership in the Nation. A fan could buy a basic membership for $9.95. (And get a genuine membership card!) Now the team is offering packages ranging from the “Fan Pack” for $14.95, to the “Monster Membership” option for $199. You want perks? “Monster Membership” actually offers a “guaranteed opportunity to purchase two Green Monster seats.” A guaranteed opportunity to purchase tickets, mind you.
Wow. Heady stuff.

Guess what? You can purchase tickets without paying for the right to purchase them.

See, what Red Sox Nation really needs is not an orderly transfer of government but a full-scale insurrection. I remember when there was no “nation.” (A term first coined by the Boston Globe’s Nathan Cobb in 1986, then shamelessly appropriated by his colleague Dan Shaughnessy.) The Sox fan based more closely resembled the Balkans -- a disparate group of generally dispirited followers who expected their team to compete but lose in the end.

But that was also when the team was run by amiable bumblers with generally as little business sense as baseball sense. (They did, after all, let Carlton Fisk get away, yet traded for the immortal Jack “car collection” Clark.)

Today, it’s as if Forbes itself is running the team. All business, all promotion, all the time. A team mascot for the Boston Red Sox would have been unimaginable 20 years ago. “Wally” would have been hooted off the field and showered with boos to rival real-life duds like Dick Stuart and Jack Brohammer.

Hey, to be fair, under this regime the Sox threw off the bitter past and won a World Series. And they are having a great season thus far. But enough with the relentlessly promotional ploys already.

What Red Sox Nation needs is not a president but a civil war -- between the new, Johnny-come-lately fans who freely shell out a $100 bucks to sit and squeal on cue in their $150 team jerseys, and the real fans for whom baseball comes first and baseball promotions second.

No, I won’t be running for President of Red Sox Nation. And I’ll go further: If nominated I will not run, if elected I will not serve.

There.

On the other hand, I remain always open to anyone offering free tickets.
Thank you, God bless, and vote your conscience.