Mitt's Mutt

The facts are not in dispute. Mitt Romney's dog is dead.

Okay, not from the now-infamous ride from hell; that was nearly 25 years ago. (Though in dog years it might as well have been yesterday.)

Even if you aren't from Massachusetts, you may have heard about former Gov. Mitt Romney's former dog, Seamus. In 1983, the Romney family took off for a 12-hour drive to Romney's parents' cottage on Lake Huron in Ontario. Space in the family station wagon was limited because Romney has, like, 27 sons, each one with names like Chip, Chap, Nip, Nog.

Seamus, an Irish setter, was relegated to the roof of the car for the trip.

Reports are that he rode in a carrier which Romney had rigged up with a windshield, but to this point in doggie-gate, no photos of any kind have been produced to support this claim. For all we know, poor Seamus might have been splayed out between the roof racks, tied down with bungie cords with his tail flapping out behind him like one of those 50's antenna jobs. Only real.

It has also been reported that, at some point during the drive, the roof-bound dog developed diarrhea. (Apparently the Romney boys alerted dad that something was amiss because brown liquid was streaming down the rear window.) Guess what? You would develop diarrhea, too, if you were strapped to the roof of a an automobile hurtling down the highway.

Now, as more extensive digging dogs Romney, more sinister reports are surfacing that it wasn't Seamus at all who had diarrhea, but rather one of Romney's boys. (Tog or Tug, Chug or Chag--it's unclear which one.) With his penchant for efficiency, Romney, unconfirmed sources say, simply put the offending lad up there with the dog--problem solved, time saved from a long, drawn-out stop at a rest area, not to mention a time-consuming and expensive interior simonize.

True? Of course not. But the fact is, it's fun to find fault with Mitt "Robot" Romney. We here in Massachusetts have had years to have had it up to here with a guy whose blood seems synthetic, who exudes "Stepford," and who seems to wear perfection like so much after-shave. Like after-shave, it's put on.

And it's no longer fooling anyone; Romney's smarmy act stinks.