Dork Reform, not Tort Reform

Well, it's over. It didn't have the historial import of the Scopes Monkey Trial. It didn't have the Access Hollywood factor (or the hilarious former-cabby Judge Larry) of the Anna Nicole Smith paternity trial. And it certainly didn't rise to the national obsession of O.J. After all, no Bronco chase, no legal dream team, no Johnnie Cochran and that courtroom catchphrase for the ages--"If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

Although, the case could have been made in this case for a slight variation: "Enough with the rants--and to hell with your pants!"

In fact, those might have been words that Washington Superior Court Judge Judith Bartnoff was tempted to say to $54-million lost-pants lawsuit defendant Roy Pearson. On Monday, this real-life Judge Judy ruled against Pearson, and for the Korean couple who own Custom Cleaners in Washington, D.C. Incredibly, the case took on a spin cycle of its own, and took two years to churn its way through the legal system. What was Pearson wearing all this time to his own job as an administrative judge, a freaking barrel?

Legal show-off that he apparently is, Pearson based his case on a sign that the store displayed: "Satisfaction Guaranteed." See? He felt he should be able to take that literally. And I think I should be able to take today's weather report as a binding contract between me and the meteorologist.

Alas, Pearson was not satisfied. (Even though the store came up with what they said were his precious lost pants.) So he came up with a brilliantly dorky financial equation which involved the price of the pants multiplied by the cost of cleaning them divided by his days without them and...you get the idea. Just subtract this pathetic putz's personality, divide by the number of legal professionals in the nation, and you get some idea why people hate lawyers and the American court system, and why conservatives take a campaign whack every chance they get at tort reform. Because they know as long as there are frivilous lawsuits, people will generate the same steam out of their ears that dry cleaners use on their pants, lost or otherwise.

And as frivolous lawsuits go, this one was rather up there after all.
Or was this a pantsuit?

Small consolation: Pearson will have to pay the Korean couple's court fee (about $1000), and may have to ultimately pay their legal fees as well, which amount to tens of thousands of dollars. I say Judge Bartnoff scores one for creative sentencing, and allows Soo Chung a good five minutes with Roy Pearson under her pants press.

That should straighten him out.