iPhone: iDon't Think So

The Day has approached for weeks now. The Big Day.
The day the iPhone is rolled out to the world.

Well, not exactly the world. But at least those hardy head cases
who have been willing to camp out on city streets to be the first
to get into a store and buy one.

They don’t need an iPhone. They need a life.

But, this is not a day to bite the Apple, but to behold the Book of (Steve) Jobs,
and his creation. Or at least his hype.

It is sleek. It is shiny. It is packed with features a single cell phone has never had before. It is $500 bucks for crying out loud--it should be packed with incredible features.

But guess what? It isn’t.

I have done some careful research, combed Apple’s own promotional (http://www.apple.com/) information, and pieced together what the vaunted iPhone will NOT do. And in terms of what’s NOT there, it’s a sobering list to say the least.

-Start your car? Not happening with the iPhone. Hell, these days you can buy a remote car starter with full keyless entry for less than $70. (http://www.slickcar.com/) And they can’t add that little trifle to the iPhone? For shame, Apple, for shame.

-Anything on it for your car? Zippo, zilch, zero, nothing, nada, bupkes. How can this be? Where do they think people are using their sleek new iPhones? In their sleek new cars, of course. How about including a radar detector, an overheating sensor, maybe a simple garage door opener? Nope. Okay, a measly little tire pressure gauge? They give ‘em out for free for crying out loud at Tony’s Tire World! Forget it. Baffling, just baffling.

-Monitor your blood pressure? Gauge insulin levels? Not on your new iPhone. Why include that, you ask? Why not? With all the hype that Apple has attracted for itself with the iPhone’s road-to-the-rollout, why not have gone that little extra mile for medicine? Create a certain public service component to the carnival. But no. They’d rather gum it all up with GPS and MP3 and who cares if some users have high blood pressure or diabetes? Not Apple. No, you’re on your own with your iPhone. Use it to call an ambulance. Oh, wait--its service depends on AT&T, the worst carrier on the market. Oops. Good luck.

-Make coffee? Dream on. Oh, sure it will wake you up with a choice of 47 different alarm modes and tones, but then what? Then you desperately want a cup of hot, steaming coffee to sip while you fire up that sleek screen and go through your email, edit your playlist, and read the New York Times online. Coffee? Make it yourself. Please -- you can buy a 4-cup Mr. Coffee online these days (http://www.mrcoffee.com/) for under $20. Heaven forbid you get one included on your $500 Mr. iPhone.

-Flowbee? Forget about it. How hard would it have been to have included the world’s most popular home hair-cutting system? Not very. Apple went with AT&T as its carrier because reportedly the communications giant was more compliant than Verizon. You think Flowbee wouldn’t have completely restructured its entire corporate identity to have been included on the iPhone?
The entire Flowbee haircut system complete with Super Mini-Vac costs a mere $89.90 online. (http://www.flowbee.com/) Nowhere to be found on your iPhone. And you could use a trim there, too, big boy.

So there you have it. For all its super-cool, supposedly revolutionary new features, the iPhone is ipoppingly bereft of some of life’s most basic everyday conveniences. Sure you know by now about its bold new touch-screen interface system. But did you know that Flowbee also makes a pet attachment so you can trim your dog or cat as well?

iPhone? Don’t even look.