Vatican Car Talk (The Rosary Meets the Road)

Holy Car.
The Vatican has discovered the automobile.

Or rather, it has discovered that there is more to driving than transportation, and that once behind the wheel, even good people are not always saints.

Word is next week the Vatican will take on that newfangled telephone thing.

The Vatican’s office for migrants and itinerant people has issued a Ten Commandments for Drivers
At a news conference in Rome, the office’s head, Cardinal Renato Martino, explained that the Vatican felt compelled to address the needs of motorists “because driving has become such a big part of contemporary life.”
So has refrigeration and indoor plumbing. What’s next, a “Ten Commandments for Tackling Those Pesky Home Fix-it Problems?”

Seriously, the internal combustion engine is over 100 years old. Automobile accidents have been a fact of life almost as long. How long? When there were still just two horseless carriages on the long-ago streets of Chicago, they collided. Imagine the paperwork involved, considering that car insurance hadn’t been invented yet.

The report is officially titled, “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road.” That sounds suspiciously like a document in my glove compartment: “Guidelines for the Professional Care of your Jeep.” But the similarities end there.

Consider commandment #1: “You shall not kill.”
Now, as I recall, there was no direct mention of that particular point when I took my driver’s license test, but somehow I got the feeling that if they were going to flunk me for screwing up a three-point turn, there was no way I was getting my license if I ran over anyone on the sidewalk.

Commandment #2 is interesting as well: “The road shall be a place of communion between people and not of mortal harm.” But what happens when it’s both at the same time? Ever drive on the L.A. Freeway at rush hour?

Number five raises some interesting questions: “Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination.” I will expect to see faith-loving car dealers re-advertise the Hummer as the “Heretic.”

Commandment #5 also instructs that cars will not be “an occasion of sin.”
Oh, Lord—about that summer between my junior and senior year…..

Commandment #6 (“Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so”) takes 22 words to say what 4 will do more effectively: “Don’t drink and drive.” Amen.

Commandment #9 will raise eyebrows among certain car quarters as well: “On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.” What fun is that? Has the Vatican never heard of NASCAR?

Beyond the Ten Commandments of Driving themselves, the Vatican has some other helpful tips for the road that you won’t find in your AAA brochure. The report extols the benefits of making the sign of the cross before turning the ignition key. Actually, the only time I have ever seen a driver do that was in a scene from “The Sopranos.” And he crossed himself again when the car didn’t explode.

The Vatican also says that, for those of you who know it, reciting the Rosary on the road can be helpful, as its “rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver’s attention.” That may very well be. Curiously though, the Vatican does not address the use of cell phones, PDA’s or sending and receiving emails while driving, which most certainly DO distract the driver’s attention. On the other hand, I guess if you are reciting the Rosary you can’t be ranting on your Bluetooth.

But, why quibble?

There are a few laudable things in the Vatican’s report, like always helping at an accident (even if it's been caused by someone blabbing on their Bluetooth.) Besides, perhaps a few years down the road they will issue a “Ten Commandments for Technical Toys.”

After all, they only just discovered the automobile.